Relationships 

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Why do men avoid relationship discussions?

Ironing, washing up, nappy changing, chopping off a testicle with a sharp instrument – a man can find a million and one other things to do rather than sit down with his partner and (deep breath) talk about their relationship. I can honestly say it’s not because men don’t care about them – believe me, they do – it’s just that the words ‘relationship discussion’ mean different things to men and women. Often a woman will just want a chat, which can also involve airing her thoughts and worries. This is not usually a confrontational thing, just an opportunity to get something off her chest. However, a lot of men don’t see a simple ‘clearing the air’ discussion as a moan or an indication of unhappiness. He gets on the defensive, says everything she’s saying is rubbish; she says he’s an uncaring cad who doesn’t understand her. Watch as the argument leaps from the horizon and lands smack back between you.

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? So what’s the answer? How can two grown-ups manage to have an adult conversation about their relationship? It’s probably a good idea to, first of all, recognise that your man sees the whole discussion process from a wildly different viewpoint. Before you sit down with him and begin talking, it might pay to explain that what you’re about to say isn’t a moan. If you’re about to make some sort of criticism, pay him a compliment first or stress some of the great things about your relationship. Launching straight in with a negative tirade will just result in a row. During relationship discussions, men tend to look for logical answers to issues that are less than straightforward. Try explaining to him that you don’t necessarily want quick fix responses from him – if you do simply want to get something off your chest, tell him that. Ask him to just listen.

Ultimately, in order for a relationship to work, you simply have to talk – and that means both sides making small compromises and finding common ground on which to talk. Relationship discussions are an emotional minefield and if you value your relationship, treading carefully is sometimes the best way around it.

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