Blame his star sign: why men do the weird things they do

'Arrogant. Pompous. Vain. Cruel. Verbose. Show-off. I've been called all of these. Of course, I am.' Howard Cosell (Born March 25)

Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest! Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.

Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armour. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the butt - a bit like your Aries man. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view, he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts. The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he inflicts with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right, especially when he is wrong.

Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash, and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come over all 'Aw shucks' and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.

On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago hung a brass plate with the inscription 'Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare' - the Latin for 'If you don't swing, don't ring'. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at 77.

Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on, while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder. When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favourite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of a mother and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centrefold. He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totalled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.

Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to cut out coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk, while he plays Mr Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and to raise your own veggies, while he attacks his latest money-making scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practise road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the debt-collectors off your back and a roof over your heads.

Mr Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then get jiggy with it the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardour as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.

Your favourite martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and a Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office, but Aries needs to rationalise his bad behaviour. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.