Blame his star sign: why men do the weird things they do

'If only I had a little humility, I would be perfect.' Ted Turner (Born November 19)

Whether he is tall, dark, and handsome or short, blond, and chubby, a Scorpio man is idealistic, passionate, and loyal. He will mesmerise you with his candid, purposeful stare and capture your heart with his magnetic charm. He may be as cuddly as Sinbad, or as sexy as Leonardo DiCaprio; wear a white collar, a blue collar, or no collar at all; but here is the man who is impossible to resist. Think you've hit the jackpot? Think again, sweetheart.

Loving a male Scorpion is like falling for King Kong. Oh, he's sexy and, underneath that aloof exterior, surprisingly sensitive. Of course, that titbit of knowledge may not help when you are handed divorce papers because you said his best friend was a low-life slob. Other guys might sit down to discuss their feelings. Mr Intense will sit down and rip yours to shreds.

He is selfish. Never mind that you are married to him or in a serious relationship. The Scorpion's idea of commitment is showing up for dinner most of the time. His emotion switch is set at sub-zero, and he won't hesitate to be unfaithful until he's dead. However, contrary to popular belief, he is not sex-crazed. That trait belongs to cousin Aries. Scorpio is terrified of deep emotional dependence on just one person, so, in his usual ass-backward way, he screws around precisely to avoid intimacy.

A male Scorpion has two reasons for living. The first is power. The second is control. He would control fate if he could - and some try. He will usually be a good provider because his desire for power and control drives him to become successful in his chosen profession. But money is rarely his primary motivation. Financial gain is only a by-product of becoming Mr Big. His moods change faster than a Pisces flipping the remote, and he will test your love by demanding the devotion of a religious fanatic at a revival meeting. He's so jealous, possessive, and sarcastic that you will be tempted to poison his oatmeal. There's no handling a Scorpion. You either put up with him or run like hell.

Deliberately awaken this man's green-eyed monster, and you better have a shovel handy. You are going to need it to either defend yourself or dig your own grave. Remember this before you are foolish enough to plunge into an affair, or worse, a legally-binding relationship.

The worst thing you can do to a Scorpio man is to not react to his emotional intimidation tactics. If he demands to be alone, applaud. Curb his sarcasm with a yawn. If he says he wants an open marriage, tell him you thought you already had one. When he announces he's going out without you, tell him to have a good time, then smile as if you know something he doesn't. He'll pretend to leave, park around the block, and sneak back to lurk in the bushes, convinced that you are cheating on him. He's as obtuse as Taurus when he thinks he's right and will stand in a rainstorm all night, muttering to himself, while you are cosy by the fireplace.

He communicates by threat. The foremost one is that he's leaving you. He also lies. The only thing harder to rid yourself of than a Scorpio man is a Cancer woman. A male Scorpion frequently looks like he just ate a cactus. That's because he spends half his life getting even for some real, or imagined, slight and the other half causing all his own troubles.

Yours will be so secretive that he would rather have his fingernails pulled out than tell you what he had for lunch. He's morbidly afraid that if he dares to share any serious facts, or fears, you may get the upper hand. That's why he's so good at small talk. He can blather for hours about every piece of minutiae in the world, but ask him a direct question, and he will clam up and rush outside to mow the lawn.

Your home will be either near water or hidden in a cul-de-sac behind a tall fence. He would live in a place that's accessible only by helicopter, except that it would screw up his Thursday-night dates with the cocktail waitress at the local bar. If you do catch him between the wrong pair of sheets, he will put on such a display of grovelling, whining, and begging, that you might think he has suffered a breakdown. Don't be fooled. He thrives on intensity and is as much masochist as manipulator. He will do anything it takes at that moment to gain your forgiveness, except change. Scorpio is fixed water. He exists in a bottomless well of churning emotional excess and is so embroiled in trying to figure out his own emotions that he will never understand yours. Being sucked into the vortex of his charm is akin to getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle. You may or may not survive the trip.