Coping with the in-laws

continued from page 2
Here are the three biggest hazards, with tips on negotiating each one safely:

1. Christmas conflicts
We all know the festive period is a time for families to get together, but what happens when you have two sets to please? Then there are the in-laws who expect you to be with them each and every year, and the kind who enjoy keeping things traditional: i.e. lots of church and no telly.Keep the peace: If everyone wants a bit of you, consider planning ahead by a couple of years: spending one Christmas at your parents and one at your in-laws, while reserving one year for yourselves. Alternatively, divide up the holiday period in the same way, so you spend time with all involved. Just be consistent, and reserve quality time for the two of you.

2. The in-laws are impossible to please
We all live by different standards, but there are some who expect you to live by their code - and it's almost always in-laws! Whether it's the state of your cooking or his career, there's nothing more soul-destroying than one of you being made to feel like some kind of failure.Keep the peace: Agree to throw yourselves into the time spent with them, and do everything you can to revise their opinion - but once that visit is over, the relationship has to come first. Set up this kind of boundary, and you won't feel so invaded.

3. He's dragged into family arguments
You know the drill: your parents call at a bad time, interrupting a peaceful night in; within minutes you're yelling down the line. But they're first to hang up. As a result, you're left feeling tense and snappy - and look to him with puppy dog eyes when the phone rings again.Keep the peace: This is one time where it's unfair to involve your other half - or hide behind him. By all means use him as a sounding board, or even a shoulder to cry on, but ultimately you have to resolve any differences - just as he should with his folks. As for the persistent phone calls, at least your answer machine can represent you both. It could even save a strained relationship!