The Male Nanny works for a wealthy London family and spends much of his time dealing with an inquisitive and often obnoxious five-year-old. His wry and discerning first-hand accounts offer a unique insight into the private lives of London's elites - from family holidays to family therapy - and every lie in between. To keep up with The Male Nanny follow him on Twitter @themalenanny
Retart
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I am loading the dishwasher. I am trying to fit a large saucepan into an impossibly small slot. Ashamed of my misjudgement, I utter these words:
'Oh, you retard.'
'What’s a retart?' asks the five year old behind me. I am grateful she has misheard it.
'It’s a bad word, don’t say it,' I bark back.
'Retart retart retart retart retart,' she mocks, dancing.
'If you keep saying it, I will put you in the dishwasher,' I tease.
She continues saying it, so I chase her around the house, catch her, pick her up, and carry her towards the kitchen.
She is in fits of laughter as I dangle her over the dishwasher, and she is trying to say 'retart' again, but finds it impossible, owing to her hysteria.
I plonk her on the floor, and calm her down.
'Seriously, that is a bad word. It is a mean word for someone who is disabled. I shouldn’t have said it, and nor should you say it. Okay?'
'Okay,' she says, looking genuinely repentant.
'Retart,' she says again, before fleeing.
I leave the mansion and go for a drink with a friend, whereupon I receive the following text from the mum:
Hey, **** just called me a ‘retart’, and said that you taught her it. Please enlighten me?
I reply:
I did not use that word. I never would. Perhaps she heard it from the 13 year old?
A few moments later I receive a text from the 13 year old:
Took the hit for you, told mum it was me who said retard. You owe me.
The next day we are all eating dinner. The 13 year old steals some parmesan from the 5 year old’s plate.
'Hey, give it back!' she protests.
'No.'
'Give my cheese back, you retart!'
'Haha what the fuck is a retart? You mean retard, you spaz,' laughs the 13 year old.
'Fucking spaz,' snaps the 5 year old.
The Male Nanny
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Check out Katy Hill's blog for another angle on parenting
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