Sex after baby

By Lynne Roberts

Remember when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other? After having a baby, sex is likely to be the last thing on your mind, but while you may not be swinging from the chandeliers, it doesn’t have to spell doom for your relationship.

Wondering if your love life will ever be the same again? If you believe everything you read you’d think new mums are getting straight back to business as soon as the six-week postnatal check is out of the way. But in reality one in 10 new parents are still sleeping in separate beds a year after the birth of their first child* – so what’s normal and when should you worry?

In our sex-obsessed society women can feel pressured to get back to normal as soon as possible after the birth. Justine Devenney from relationship support body One Plus One says: ‘We know we should take media images with a pinch of salt, but for many women they still resonate.’

However, there are many factors which affect our sex drive, and while some couples are back in the swing of things within weeks, others can take up to a year.

Recovery time

There are plenty of reasons why it might take a while to get your mojo back. Giving birth is no mean feat – and if you’re recovering from a c-section, episiotomy or tear, sex is probably the last thing on your mind.

Justine says: ‘For women there’s a physical or medical side, or they may have body image issues, and want to get back to their old shape before they feel comfortable. And men can be really affected by seeing their partner give birth. It may be that they feel nervous, or don’t want to pressure her, which she in turn can interpret as a lack of interest or rejection.’

Throw in a few months of breastfeeding, financial pressure, broken nights or the demands of older children and the bedroom just becomes that place you’d like to sleep in more often. Kasta, from the iVillage.co.uk community, admits: ‘Exhaustion and a constantly feeding baby throughout the night does not make for a romantic mood! Plus, the fear of another surprise baby is working like the ultimate in birth control.’

Lonely nights

If you’re sleeping apart, it can feel like even snuggling up together is a thing of the past. A recent survey* found that more than a third of parents sleep apart at some time during the first year, while only six in ten said they shared a bed every night.

Does this spell danger for your relationship, or is it really such a bad thing? ‘It’s important not to panic about these things,’ Justine says. ‘If you’re both exhausted it will affect how you get along – and you’re more likely to feel intimate during waking hours if at least one of you has had a good night’s sleep.’

And, lack of sleep doesn’t just affect your mood, according to a University of Chicago study** which found that men who sleep for less than 5 hours per night have reduced testosterone levels after just one week of sleep deprivation.

So, it might sound obvious, but if you really want to get your love life back on track then sleep comes first. Here are a few tips to help you get that all-important shut-eye.

How to get a good night’s sleep

Establish a routine. You don’t have to be a slave to it, but teaching your baby what to expect when will mean you’ll all get a bit more time to relax.
Sleep when your baby does. Babies often have one longer sleep period, so try to get a nap then, whatever time of day it is.
Take it in turns to get a good night’s sleep so each of you gets a good stretch at least every couple of days.
Make your bedroom a place for sleeping in. That means no TV or laptops, keeping the lights low and the curtains drawn.
Go to bed early. Turn in at 8.30 or 9pm. You won’t be missing out on much, and you’ll have had at least some rest before you’re woken for night feeds.

Keep the fires burning

Forget celebs crowing about how their sex life is better than ever post-baby. Couples often think that having a child will bring them even closer together, but in the real world new parents often find themselves under real pressure as they adapt to new challenges and the demands of a newborn.

The good news is that with a bit of work you can keep the spark alive, and ultimately forge an even deeper bond. Here’s how:

Spend quality time together without the baby. It might feel strange at first but it will get easier the more often you do it. Take advantage of any babysitting offers and go for dinner, a quiet drink or just a long walk.
Once your bundle of joy is in its own room, make your bedroom an adult space – clear out the baby clutter and create a sanctuary you can both relax in.
Share the domestic load – resentment over household chores can easily turn into bigger problems later, so nip it in the bud now.
Take time to feel good about yourself. Don’t try to cram yourself into pre-pregnancy clothes - treat yourself to new underwear, or an outfit that flatters your new shape.
Don’t feel pressured into having sex too soon. Start with a cuddle and get to know each other again before taking it any further.
Talk about it! Communication is the first step to intimacy, so don’t assume your partner knows how you’re feeling, emotionally or ph
ysically. And…
Don’t blurt it all out when you’re exhausted and the baby’s screaming – find a good time to discuss things, and remember to listen as much as you talk.
Establish a good bedtime routine as soon as possible, so you have some precious time together in the evening.
Don’t struggle on alone – if you’re still not having sex after a few months and it’s making either one of you unhappy, talk to a professional.