Sex braggers beware

Boasting about your sex life can leave friends whimpering, according to Fiona Gibson

The answerphone clicks into action. My friend Suzie babbles, ‘Call me back. I have something amazing to tell you.’

I don’t need to return Suzie’s call to discover what kind of amazing she means. I assume, rather wearily, that we are talking sex in interesting locations – perhaps on a kitchen appliance or two – plus several body-trembling orgasms and some mention of ice cubes, fromage frais or feather boas.

It goes without saying that Suzie is in a new relationship. She is at that whoops-my-clothes-fell-off-again stage when you phone in sick at work (for ‘dodgy seafood’ read: cannot bear to get out of bed with my luscious new boyfriend still in it). New lover is naturally considerate yet wildly adventurous – and would you believe what this guy can do with his tongue?

Ok. Enough already. There is something about someone else’s icky details that make you feel like the shifty voyeur. You see, my friend is a sex bragger. And while her current squeeze is an A grade lover, so was the guy who preceded him, and the one before that. Sex braggers are indiscriminate in their praise. Everyone they shack up with has the stamina of a bison. When I hear such nuggets, I don’t know whether to whimper, ‘Lucky you’, or sink into despair, aware that my sex life doesn’t match up. For one thing, I never have ice cubes when I need them.

The irksome thing about these friends is that, unintentionally or otherwise, they make you feel lousy. Friends aren’t supposed to do that. Yet it’s hard not to feel inadequate when their sex life is champagne fizz (even on a weeknight) while yours is Coca-Cola with the top left off. They remind you how much they’re getting (‘I can hardly walk this morning!’); you can’t help wishing that the damn bloke would be struck by some erectile difficulty.