Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
Sexy, smart, successful - and dateless
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Question: I walked away from a 'friends with benefits' relationship last December because the guy said he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone, although he said he loved me and hadn't even felt that way about his previous partner (we'd both split from long term partners months earlier). I'd given him time to sort himself out, but he couldn't offer anything else so I walked away... maybe hoping he'd come after me. I found out he started dating someone else six weeks later. I was so shocked and to this day can't understand why. I haven't dated since... more to do with no offers. I've been told I'm gorgeous, sexy, have a nice figure, have a great sense of humour, and I have a career. So what's the problem? - Miss Professional
Dear 'Miss Professional',
Something crucial springs to mind - I'll come to that in mo'. It's flippin' maddening and hurtful when something you thought might become a relationship fizzles out. And then the guy has the audacity to start a relationship with someone new!
Then it's easy to let insecurities tear you apart: Was it you? What was wrong with you? Why weren't you good enough for him? What did this other woman have? All those questions go round your head.
The thing about these insecurities is they don't seep into your friendships or work. You get on with those very nicely, thank you very much!
Here's the crucial thing: these insecurities seep out when around potential partners. Believe me, these affect you in two ways - potential partners notice you have an insecure vibe - and that's not attractive. And you're so affected by these feelings you don't really notice potential partners - or, if you do, you shy away from meeting them.
Our body language is finely tuned to be in-sync with our feelings. So now when you're around men your body language will be closed down. You won't be sending out signals of attraction. You won't even send signals along the lines - 'it's okay, you can come and say hello to me.'
It's time to stop obsessing about what happened with him and move on. Definitely use 'thought-stopping strategies'. When he pops into your head, tell yourself - 'The timing wasn't right for us. I'll find someone right for me.' Practice these religiously.
Final tip: Focus on the successes you've had in previous dating/relationships. Remember the men who've fancied you and all you have to offer. Don't let this experience take the good things away from your dating-history.
Once you start enjoying being single, that's when you'll attract men into your life. Definitely 'widen your circle of opportunity' and keep an open-mind, when you're out and about, to meeting new people.
Good luck, Dr Pam x
