Dr Pam's love clinic

Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom

Should I pay for sex?

By Dr. Pam Spurr on 08 Dec 2010 1 comment

Question: I came out of a long term relationship two and a half years ago and I’ve never had sex since. He was my first big relationship - love, moving in together, the works, it lasted nine years starting in my late 20s. I've got a high sex drive, so I'm getting really frustrated - I can't even focus at work. My friends are more confident than I am that I'll meet someone when the time's right. I'm not sure I believe them because I now work long hours and am really shy so I hardly go out, except round friends' houses where everyone is coupled up. I'm seriously considering paying for a male prostitute. Everyone thinks that it's an awful and potentially dangerous idea, but what else can I do? Please help, otherwise I'm a respectable 39 year old lady!

Dear 'respectable lady',

To be honest I think it sounds like a pretty awful idea for you when you say you're shy. My reasoning is that you'd probably find it awkward to ask for what you really wanted. Despite paying - so you'd expect to get what you want - it seems to me that because this is such an 'out there/left-field' idea that you'd find it embarrassing to get the satisfaction you want.

But let me pull you up on something - you say you're ‘shy’ but you obviously do have ‘social skills’. Otherwise you wouldn't have friends that you hang out with them and obviously have intimate conversations with. So it's time to start thinking of yourself as more well-rounded and less shy.

It’s also time to start looking at a few singles events since all your friends are coupled-up. Take these steps:

• Begin by setting yourself a few goals like researching what's available in your area. It'll give you confidence once you start looking around and seeing just how many singles events there are - that means there are lots of singles like you!
• Next sort out some clothes you feel really confident in. It's always best to go to an event feeling comfortable and confident. You won't be distracted pulling down a super short skirt or teetering on too high heels. Dressing-for-success is not just about career - it applies to dating too.
• Go out reminding yourself that you’re perfectly able to make friends and it’s really no different to find potential boyfriends or, as you say, potential sex partners. You should be looking for fun and not worrying about the rest. Just play safe and please don't put yourself in any dodgy situations!
• Also, remind all of those friends who think a male prostitute is a bad idea to keep a lookout for single men for you. It's fine for them to have an opinion about your idea but even better if they're going to take action to help you on your search.
   

Final tip: In the meantime, thinking of your sexual frustration - there are loads of fab sex toys to pleasure yourself with till you meet someone. There is no reason to be frustrated!

Good luck finding someone, Dr Pam x

For loads more advice, Dr Pam's new sex-and-love guide is available on Amazon.co.uk