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Talking about sex with your child

Discussing sex and the facts of life with your child can be daunting and embarrassing – but it can also be a chance to share thoughts, feelings and set them on the right track for life. Here’s how to start talking...

By Fiona Gibson

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1 of 11
When should I start?

Quite simply, as soon as your child starts asking questions. If you seem happy to chat about bodies, the differences between boys and girls and where babies come from, then you’ll send out the signal that it’s fine - and healthy - to talk about these things.

Dodging questions gives the impression that growing up is mysterious and even a little scary.

From four or five, children are usually very curious. At this stage, the main thing to do is create a relaxed, open atmosphere in which your child feels he can come to with questions or concerns, and that you’re happy to listen.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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2 of 11
Do I really have to do it?

Yes – because, even if sex is never mentioned at home, your child will pick up half-truths and myths in the playground. Far better than he knows what’s what – explained in a way that’s appropriate for his age – rather than a muddle of misinformation.

Use proper words for body parts too, as jokey names can lead to confusion. If it seems daunting, remember that discussing sex with your child shouldn’t be reduced to one intense, toe-curling ‘Big Talk’.

It’s more likely to be an ongoing process throughout childhood, adolescence and, in some cases, beyond.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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3 of 11
Won’t they learn all of this in school?

Not necessarily. At the moment, sex education isn’t compulsory in secondary schools. In one study, a fifth of 16-19 year-olds said they’d received none at all, and out of those who had, 16 per cent said they didn’t trust their teachers to give them unbiased advice.

Given the fact that your child might be faced with a embarrassed teacher, or a class of giggling peers, you can’t assume they’ll learn all they need to know in the classroom.

However, if they do mention sex ed classes, you might ask what they’ve learnt, using that to spark further discussion. ‘My 14-year-old son and I had a laugh when he told me a teacher had brought in a big box of plastic models of body parts,’ says Jessica, 40. ‘It broke the ice so I could find out what he did and didn’t know.’

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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4 of 11
When is the best time to broach the subject?

It’s more effective to chat in a relaxed situation, when something else is going on, than sitting down face to face.

Many children open up more when you’re pottering about together, such as cooking or doing chores.

‘Daniel starts to tell me little snippets he’s heard in the park when we’re doing things like sorting the laundry or pairing up socks,’ says iVillager Pam, 37, of her ten-year-old son. ‘I can then say, okay, this is how a woman gets pregnant, or this is what periods are all about.’ (Yes, it’s important for boys to know what happens to girls, too!).

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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5 of 11
What if he blurts out a direct question in public?

‘I nearly died when my daughter, then six, blurted out, 'Mummy, what’s a penis?' at the checkout,’ says Toni, 38. ‘I just muttered, 'we’ll talk about it later', while piling my shopping onto the conveyor belt with my face burning red.

In fact, Toni’s response was probably the best one: of course you don’t want to delivery a mini anatomy lesson with a queue of sniggering shoppers behind you. It’s important to stick to your word, though, and later say, ‘You asked me what a penis is when we were out shopping, remember?’

You can then take that as your cue to talk about bodies, without half the town listening in.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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6 of 11
How much detail should I give?

As you know your child better than anyone, follow your instincts and explain, in simple terms, what you think your child needs to know.

If she doesn’t understand, or wants to know more, then she’ll ask. As girls are starting their periods earlier these days – sometimes as young as eight – it’s important to give her the facts at around this age, so it’s not scary when it actually happens.

For primary-aged children a gentle, reassuring book can be helpful: try either the boys’ or girls’ edition of What’s Happening to Me? by Susan Meredith (girls) and Alex Frith (boys), both published by Usborne, £7.99.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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7 of 11
What if my teen won’t talk to me?

Don’t take is personally if your teen seems to be withdrawing from you. While it’s important that he’s fully informed, he’s unlikely to welcome unsolicited advice.

Your best option is to allow him plenty of personal space – not barging into his room without knocking, for instance – and always being available to talk on the rare occasions that he wants to. And make the most of those occasions when it’s just the two of you – when you’re driving him to a party, for instance.

Many teens are more willing to talk in the car, when the radio’s on, the mood is relaxed and you’re not making eye contact.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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8 of 11
Won’t it encourage my child to have sex?

It’s a common concern that, the more she knows, the more likely teen is to get out there and do it. However, research shows that the opposite is true.

Children who’ve grown up being able to talk honestly and openly about sex tend to become sexually active later, and are more likely to use contraception. Look upon talking about sex as empowering your child and boosting their self-esteem.

Knowledge = confidence, and a clued-up teen is less likely to be pressurised into going further than she really wants to.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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9 of 11
But she still seems so young...

As parents, it’s hard for us to think of our children as having sexual feelings. Yet avoiding the subject can be dangerous or even catastrophic.

It’s essential that your young teen knows about contraception and the prevention of STIs; it’s also worth reminding them that, although the age of consent is sixteen, reaching that magical age doesn’t mean that they should ever feel pressurised to have sex before they feel ready.

So often, when we talk about sex, we forget to discuss the emotional side. Try to ensure that your teen grasps the importance of mutual trust and respect in relationships too.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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10 of 11
But she says she knows everything already...

....And you, as an adult, know nothing, right? It’s perfectly natural for teens to think there’s nothing they don’t know, and to regard their parents as utter dunces (after all, sex is just for young people, right?).

Sometimes, teenagers feel more comfortable accessing information from other sources. You might want to buy her a book to read in her own time – Let’s Talk About Sex by Robie Harris (Walker, £10.99) is aimed at pre-teens and teens, and has a relaxed, cartoony style, whilst covering serious issues such as STIs and AIDS.

As well as being useful for filling in any gaps in her knowledge, a book can also be starting point for discussion and get you talking again.

See also:
- Tackling the teenage years
IMAGE CREDITS:
- getty images
RELATED:
- facts of life
- sex
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11 of 11

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