Teen depression

iVillager, harriet, from the depression message board, tells the moving story of how she fought teenage depression and won.

From childhood, I had always been a very quiet and unhappy person with a very low self-esteem and general lack of confidence. I didn't know any better, so I just thought that was the way I was. So, I never told anyone - I just bottled it all up.

I've never had any reason to be depressed because my life has been relatively trouble-free and straightforward - often, I felt depressed for no reason. But at the age of 14, I came to a point where I could no longer cope. To make matters worse, my hormones were all over the place and I was a complete mess inside. It got so bad that I started to self-harm. I was so ashamed of myself for doing this and I was actually frightened of myself because I didn't know how far I'd go each time. I couldn't wear anything that would show the marks on my arms, so I always wore long sleeves, even in the summer.

I continued to self-harm for two years and managed to keep it a secret. I got more and more depressed to the point where I wouldn't even leave the house. I had no will to live anymore - I used to lie in bed in my black hole, crying all the time. I just felt so empty and lonely and wanted to put myself out of my misery by killing myself. The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want to upset my family and friends.

At first I just pretended to feel unwell and ended up missing loads of school, including my actual GCSE exams. Then I did become physically ill - my body was really weak, I was hardly eating and I suffered from insomnia.

My mum could see that I wasn't right, so she forced me to tell her what was wrong. It was so hard to tell her, but I'm so glad now that I did. I showed her my arms, which were a complete mess by then. She was so upset by it, so were the rest of my family, and I felt so guilty for upsetting and worrying them, but I was so relieved that I'd let it off my chest.

She sent me to the doctors, who then referred me to a psychiatrist as an emergency case. He told me I had a quite severe case of clinical depression and that I'd had it since a very early age. It wasn't triggered by anything at all. I was put on antidepressants and sleeping tablets, and given scar treatment for my arms.

Light at the end of the tunnel

The fact that I knew I wasn't on my own anymore helped me start my recovery, and then the antidepressants kicked in. I saw the psychiatrist for about six months and, in that time, I reduced the amount of times I was harming myself and I started to take control. I forced myself not to self-harm again, and I made myself think positively, as it was the only way to beat my depression. I got so much better, I stopped seeing my psychiatrist. I did really well in my GCSE exams, which gave me a real sense of achievement. I started to enjoy life, to do what other teenagers did - I went out with my friends, got a new boyfriend and felt much more outgoing and confident.

It's been about a year now since I was diagnosed with depression and I have completely recovered. I still have the scars on my arms from then to remind me, but I'm not ashamed of them anymore. It feels like I've started afresh and I don't have to struggle through life anymore. I still have my 'off days' and the occasional spell of low self-esteem, and but I don't actually get depressed anymore. I know it could come back at any time, but now that I know how to deal with it, I don't think it would affect me as much. I think having had depression and beating it has made me a stronger person.

If I had any advice for people suffering from depression, it's to tell someone straight away; no matter how insignificant you think it is. Don't suffer alone like I did, because it will get you nowhere. There's no need to be ashamed of being depressed.

It's more common than people think. I would say the key to beating depression is positive thinking - find something to look forward to. And don't turn down help, at least give medication a try. I hope my story has inspired some of you and has shown you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.