Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Terminator Vision is here (and other strange tales)
Today’s news is littered with the weird and wonderful. Never mind the next probably war with Iran (something I don’t even want to think about), or the endless cuts and stunted economic growth - I want to read about stuff that doesn’t want to make me hide under my bed.
So with that in mind, here is my pick of today’s best stories.
Terminator vision is here
Did you ever watch Arnie in the Terminator and wish you could bionically size people up with your cool as hell, bad ass electronic eyeball? Well now you can!
I’m not joking. Those crazy scientists have been putting electronic contact lenses into rabbits. We don’t know what those bunnies saw, but it was safe and they saw that it was good. And Lo! The scientists sayeth 'We shall all be eyeing it up like killer Skynet Robots in no time!'
Would you fancy Facebook in your head? I’m not sure I would to be honest, but going bionic seems to be the way forward.
Why we have too many teeth
Neolithic hunter-gatherers had a lot to contend with – eating raw meat, twigs, berries and bracken. No wonder they needed their gnashers.
But things have changed and over time we moved away from gnawing on bark towards eating softer, cooked food. This is a good thing. What might not be so good is that evolution has been taking it’s own sweet time catching up – and humans are now left with crowded mouths with too many teeth.
At least we have something to blame for wonky chompers.
The most horrific cosmetic surgery procedure ever. Ever.
When I’m bored I sometimes like to look at images of awful plastic surgery. I really don’t know why, it’s ghoulish. Maybe it makes me feel better about my naturally lumpy thighs? Who knows… But I tell you now that what you’re about to read is the most disgusting cosmetic procedure known to man. And no, it’s not legal.
If you wanted a nicer bottom, normal course of action is to cut out the cakes and do lots of squats. You do not, under any circumstances, ask a transgender quack to inject cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant into your ass.
But this is exactly what some loon desperate for a huge arse did in Florida. The creepy unlicensed practitioner – a tattooed she-male with a backside larger than the sun – has been arrested. Apparently his victims are too embarrassed to come forward for treatment. Which figures.
Oh dear Lord. Wow. Gargh…. Need a drink. I’m going to go away and think nice thoughts now. Enjoy your day!