The co-sleeping divide

There is a time when co-sleeping needs to come to an end. Once the child is weened there is no reason why you all need to sleep in one bed. Bonding is one argument, but supposing that you want to extend your family? You can't really have sex whilst you three year old is in the same bed ! More to the point your sleep patterns are different; a four year old needs over 12 hours of sleep; the average adult 7-8 hours. Children like security and this can be dealt with in various ways including set procedures for going to bed, like a specific time, when the child knows that it is going to be bathed and put in to night clothes, have a bed time-story and allowed to go to sleep. Children who have a fear of the dark (and that is not uncommon)can have a table lamp with a low-wattage bulb so that they can see around the room but not bright enough to make them think that they are being put to bed early and it is still daytime. This particularly true of 6 year olds during summer-time, when it does not get really dark until 9:30pm. Equally during winter, when it gets dark early, and still dark in the mornings, can confuse a child. As for the other fears that children may have, this is often to do with physical security, e.g. "will I fall out of bed", "I'm afraid of the dark" etc. The latter can be dealt with by using the dimmed light method mentioned above. The falling out of bed issues can be dealt with in a number of ways. 1. The Bed guard. rather like a cot side but not the whole length of the bed; usually 1/3rd the length. The child knows that if it rolls in its sleep the guard will stop it falling out. 2. Other fears that small children can have is slipping down the bed. That can be solved by making an "apple pie" bed, where you have a bottom sheet, covered by a second sheet which is pulled back up the length of the bed where your child's feet would be if sleeping straight on their back; and a third sheet tucked between the two which in effect becomes the top sheet. The overlaps are at the bottom of the bed, so the feet do not get cold, and in effect the child is enveloped in bed-clothes so they know that they cannot fall out of bed. As for fear of the dark, that is another issue relatively easily resolved, in so far as the main light in the room is supported by a table lamp out of the childs reach. Both lights should be switched on when you are preparing them for bed, taken them to the bathroom to wash and put in their nightwear. When you slip them in to bed,the low wattage lamp can then take over from the main light when the latter is switched off and the child isn't suddenly plunged in to darkness. That in itself can be fearful for a small child. Make sure that you have a light in the hall way which is also low wattage so that they can see their way to the toilet if required, and that their bedroom door is slightly ajar so that they can see that they have not been "forgotten" or "enclosed". By bringing these assurances in to play, you can show the child that you feel that they are grown up enough to look after themselves at night, but equally know that you will be on site if anything nasty happens, like a nightmare etc. Make a point of the fact that since you have now let them have their own bedroom and bed, means that you feel that they are more grown up, and will increase their self-esteem. For those who are still not fully confident, you can use the "tucking up method", which means that you put the child to bed in the usual way, but tell them you will check on them every so often (do not give an exact time scale as they will hold you to it !), and that also gives them the confidence that they are not being igonored. A lot of this comes down to insecurity on the part of the child, and the more you can build that secure feeling up the better, so that you and your partner to get your own personal space.