The 'loss' of no longer being pregnant

My little man is growing so fast. He has been in 3-6 months clothes for several weeks now and at 12 weeks is as long and almost as heavy as my friend’s baby who is almost three months older than he is. And let’s not mention the size of his hands and feet! Have you ever seen one of those puppies that look like they need to grow into their paws? Yeah, he reminds me of those!

Don’t get me wrong. I love my boy and think he is the most beautiful thing in the whole world. But his speed of growth means that I already have a massive pile of clothes he has outgrown and will never need again. And that makes me sad.

At first I was unsure what to do with all the things he outgrew. I decided very early on in my pregnancy that I couldn’t do it again. Hyperemesis Garvidarum made those first five months sheer hell. And although things got a whole lot better later on, the sickness continued and cholestasis was added to the mix and so there was nothing to convince me otherwise. So it seemed silly to hold on to things we would never use again.

But having spent most of my life thinking I wanted at least two if not three children the thought of stopping at one is challenging. Before I knew whether I could have children of my own I thought that one child would be the ultimate blessing. And that is true, I do feel that way. I know far too many people who never get this chance to think otherwise. And yet I never imagined I could feel so sad and confused at the same time as feeling on top of the world.

It is as if my family feels incomplete and I either have to come to terms with this or reassess the situation. I will never change my mind about another pregnancy, but do we want to look at alternate routes like adoption and fostering? It is certainly something we have discussed previously, but seeing how ill I was during my pregnancy has really scared my husband into how hard life could be were I to fall ill again. And with Endometriosis that is a distinct possibility.

It wasn’t that many years ago when my husband and I discussed whether we should even try for children. I had been very ill with my Endometriosis and we didn’t know what the future held in terms of my health. And yet things improved and we decided we couldn’t let fear hold us back. And although it was highly traumatic getting Oscar here, he was totally worth it!

So that leaves us with huge amounts of uncertainty over whether we will stick as a one child family or expand in the future. And that uncertainty makes it somehow harder to deal with the emotional fallout from my pregnancy. 

I didn’t really enjoy many moments during my pregnancy. And there was a huge amount of jealousy when I saw other pregnant women enjoying their time and even going about their day-to-day lives without too much thought. For me everything was a challenge and had to be carefully planned. I couldn’t wait for my boy to get here and to have my body back.

But ever since giving birth I have felt this sense of loss. I cannot remember being pregnant and know I will never get to experience it again. And I wouldn’t want to, or at least I wouldn’t want to experience my pregnancy again. I’d love to experience that of another woman. One who bloomed during the second trimester and enjoyed a good chunk of it before the discomfort of the third trimester set in. One who didn’t have to worry about the effects of her illness on the baby.

One who didn’t have to measure every ounce of liquid in those early weeks to make sure she forced herself to drink a bare minimum of 800ml per day.

And that loss of the pregnancy experience I craved leads on to the thought of loss for the babies I will never get to carry. And the loss of the excitement of getting a positive pregnancy result. And the loss of the joy of that first scan, and the one where you find out the baby’s gender. And the loss of the challenge of choosing a name for the baby.

Several people have told me that I am grieving right now. It feels strange to grieve when I have a beautiful baby boy. But that is what it feels like. And it is especially strong right now as I remember how excited I was last Christmas as the prospect of having a baby this year. So there is another loss right there, the loss of this year and all that happened within it. It was like living in a nightmare and I missed so much.

My husband and I have spoken about this many times. We have agreed to put Oscar’s baby things in the loft 'just in case'. We aren’t making any definite plans right now, even though that uncertainty is so hard to take. 

Oscar may be growing fast, and it may be hard to think that this might be the only time we experience the joy of watching a child of ours discover the world, but I want to capture every single moment in my mind and heart so that I can treasure them forever. So although these emotions are running through my head, I am working hard to work through them so I can start to let them go and just enjoy each moment with my precious boy.