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The Male Nanny - The male nanny

The Male Nanny works for a wealthy London family and spends much of his time dealing with an inquisitive and often obnoxious five-year-old. His wry and discerning first-hand accounts offer a unique insight into the private lives of London's elites - from family holidays to family therapy - and every lie in between. To keep up with The Male Nanny follow him on Twitter @themalenanny

Featured blog post

XXXmas

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Recent blog posts

Dec 09

Puzzle

The parents return home at midnight. The mother heads straight upstairs. The dad addresses me: 'Before you go, could you help me with something?' 'Sure.' I follow him down to the bowels of the building. He is unsteady on his feet and his eyes are bloodshot. We arrive in the play...
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Nov 29

Ballet

After ballet, I take the 5 year old to the sweet shop, where she is allowed to choose a small treat. She doesn’t like ballet, prefers rugby, so it is essentially a bribe. She chooses, as she usually does, a Kinder Egg. She eats it while walking home, in her pink tights and tutu, shoving the...
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Nov 22

Rocks

The five year old and I are on our way to the Natural History Museum. 'This is exciting, isn’t it?' I prompt. 'Yeah, I can’t wait to see the rocks', she replies, sincerely. 'Well, there’s lots of other things to see, like-' 'I want to see the rocks....
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Nov 15

'There has been a murder'

It is common for me to discover the 5 year old peering into the fish bowl. She likes to watch them swim, and to wind them up by banging on the glass. I tend to leave her to it. On Friday I spotted her with a fistful of fish food, ready to be chucked into the tank. 'No!' I shouted. 'Don...
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Nov 09

Retart

I am loading the dishwasher. I am trying to fit a large saucepan into an impossibly small slot. Ashamed of my misjudgement, I utter these words: 'Oh, you retard.' 'What’s a retart?' asks the five year old behind me. I am grateful she has misheard it. 'It’s a bad word...
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Nov 03

Pin pain

I am about to take the five year old to Sainsbury’s, to get some Halloween stuff. 'Could you get me some cash while you’re there?' asks the mum. 'Take my card. The pin is 4532.' 'Sure', I say, storing the numbers in my brain. We arrive at Sainsbury’s and...
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Oct 25

Paths

I take the five year old to a place called The Amazing Maize Maze. It is a maze made from the crop, maize. A man hands us a card, on which you are to collect stickers from various checkpoints. He asks us: 'Have you been before?' 'No, we haven-' 'Yes', interrupts the five...
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Oct 19

We are all going to die

I am eating dinner with the family, and some relatives of theirs. After dinner, the adults are going out, and I am to look after the kids: seven of them. There is general chit chat and I am doing my best to be politely involved, but also to hide completely. A brief moment of silence ensues, and in...
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Oct 11

Salt ‘n’ pepper

I hand the 5 year old a Cheestring. 'Salt', she demands. 'It’s a Cheestring, you are not having salt on it.' 'Pepper?' 'Or pepper.' She eats it with a disgusted face. 'It’s bland. Needs salt ‘n’pepper.'   Later, I hand her a...
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Oct 04

Pussy

It is Saturday evening. The mother has given permission for a film to be watched. The 13 year old, the 5 year old, and I, are gathered around the DVD shelf. 'I want to watch Waterloo Road', asserts the 5 year old, 'What is Waterloo Road?'   'We’re watching Borat...
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