Susanne Remic is a primary school teacher, freelance writer and parenting blogger. She writes at Ghostwritermummy and Maternity Matters and in between all of that she regularly wins mummy of the year awards for running around after her two children, aged six and 19 months. This is her pregnancy blog: an online diary of her third pregnancy as she strives to overcome two difficult births, one angel child and one awkward toddler. Join Susanne as she shares every step of her journey from bump to baby!
These things keep me awake at night
By Susanne Remic on 23 Nov 2011
There isn’t much natural about a c-section. I know, I was at least awake for my last one. It certainly doesn’t feel natural being sliced open, pulled this way and that and then presented with a clean, tightly wrapped baby at the end of it.
I’ve never had skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth and I have read research which proves this is an essential part of the mother-baby bonding process. Missing this, and the first hour of my son’s life led to serious problems when it came to bonding and this is something I want to avoid this time.
Bonding isn’t the only issue keeping me awake at the moment. To be honest, if you want to hear it all, then it’s going to take more than one blog post. Another big concern right now is whether or not wanting an elective c-section is really the right decision for me. Even more concerning - my for husband also - is the fact that I have been here once before already.
I think part of the reason I allowed myself to be talked out of an elective section at 38 weeks whilst pregnant with my son, was guilt. That came in so many forms. It wasn’t just well-meaning people around me telling me that a vaginal birth is so much safer for my baby and resulted in far less complications that a surgical birth.
It was the fact that I felt like it really was crunch time. How was I to know I if I would ever have another baby? Did I really want to miss out on one of the most wonderful - or so they say - experiences in a woman’s life? Did I really want to miss the contractions, the excitement of the hospital drive and the anticipation of it all? Did I really want my baby’s birthday to be written on the calendar weeks before the event?
There was something so clinical about it all and those are the thoughts keeping me awake these days too. I am feeling so angry and cheated that I will potentially never experience a ‘natural’ delivery. I want to turn back the clock and change that first c-section, push harder, force my body into doing something it just wasn’t capable of. I want to re-write history, erase the fear and trust in my own body. I want the impossible.
I know that I am within my rights to demand a VBA2C. I’m just too scared. So I’ve been pinning my hopes on an elective c-section as that seems to realistically be my only option. The thing is, I already feel guilty about it all.
What if my baby simply isn’t ready to be born at 39 weeks (this is the week most hospitals prefer to do planned sections, as research has shown a baby’s lungs have reached full maturity at this point)? My previous babies have both been late - 15 days and 8 days respectively. Am I risking my baby’s health in looking after my own needs?
There are those who will argue yes, I am risking my unborn child. There are those who will say that my own psychological well-being is equally as important and that the baby will be fine at 39 weeks. Only my baby will truly know whether he or she is ready, or if the warmth of my belly was meant to be for longer.
2 comments 
Comments