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Times have changed.....
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I’ve never really thought of myself as a victim...in spite of all the awful things which have happened to me during my life, I’ve never really done the victim “thing”. Don’t get me wrong, there were many, many times when it would have been so much easier to give in to the pain, and anger, the torment, shame, there are so many emotions I could have succumbed to; but you know when you’re doing the right thing…because it’s hard. I believe that stressing about something, worrying about it, letting it keep you awake at night and eat at you during the day, won’t help – the time you’ve spent stressing about it, you could’ve found a solution to the problem. I don’t keep things bottled up, well I try not to because I learned the hard way how dangerous that is…but I just try to let things go in order to live my life.
So imagine my surprise when someone pointed out to me last week that I was a victim of bullying.
How is it that in this day and age, a 28 year old woman is being bullied? And to make it worse, these are people that are my colleagues; I work on this team every day, share stories, have a laugh, even support each other…at least we used to. We all know that there are people in this world who weren’t raised with morals or decency, and then there are some who are downright nasty; but it baffles me how quickly others will jump on their bandwagon, ignoring their consciences just to destroy someone else for their own perverse amusement. The thing with this kind of bullying is that you may not even know you’re a victim, like I didn’t…so let’s examine the behaviour.
At first, it’s so subtle that you think you’re just being paranoid. You think people are talking about you, that whenever you’re around people go quiet; you happen to hear that nasty comments have been made about you – not just about you as a person, but about your ability to do the job; and probably worst of all, you’re told in no uncertain terms that the bosses think you’re so bad at what you do, that they send people in to do what you normally do. Of course you logically ask why, if that’s true, the bosses haven’t asked you to leave if you’re really that bad…only to be told that the bosses feel sorry for you and don’t want to do that after everything you’ve been through. Sadly, that could be true…but that’s what they’re good at, twisting the truth to their advantage because they know that if someone says something enough, after a while you start to wonder.
See, bullies like the torture they cause, especially when they’re not even around. The idea that they’ve hurt someone enough that it affects them when that person is alone with their thoughts is as delicious to a bully as chocolate is to women. Unfortunately, you can’t help but think about it because you’re only human – once someone plants an idea in your head, it’s like a weed…practically impossible to get rid of! And without the right tools, it will eat you alive without you even realising it.
When it first happened a few years ago, a few nasty people decided to make me feel bad about myself, made me question how I do a job I love very much; and others, who I thought were my friends, joined in – in the blink of an eye, there’s about 15 people telling me how rubbish I am at the job, and that people are sent in because the bosses know I’m rubbish at it. Now I’m not stupid, I knew that they were just being awful because that’s all they knew how to be – but when my so-called friends jumped in too, I started to doubt myself. They knew that I detested the idea that I was causing damage to even one person, and they played on that fear to make me think that maybe it would be best if I left.
I thought about it on and off for a couple of years, I even tried to quit twice – but quitting isn’t in my nature, and neither is giving up something I love doing for the sake of a few small-minded individuals. See, I realised last week what the problem was – I’m too damn nice. I was never bullied as a child because I didn’t take crap from anyone; I remember the first girl who tried to bully my best friend and I because she was Asian and I was her friend…I beat her first! And if I had to go back in time, I’d do it again in a heartbeat because I stand up for what I believe in – but this time, I’ve let myself down. I don’t let others treat me this way, so why am I letting supposed colleagues do it? So as of now, I’m not a victim of bullying anymore; I’ve wondered about my abilities enough, I’ve avoided certain places enough, I’ve stopped doing what I love enough. If the only way you can get through your day is to try and make me feel bad about myself, not only do I feel immeasurably sad for you, but I wish you luck…I’ve officially had enough. You won’t get any more of my time and you will no longer have any space in my head because you don’t deserve it – you don’t pay my rent, so you can kiss my *****. . And to any of you who may be in this situation, all I can say is don’t let them grind you down; the fact is, if they’re bullying you then they’re probably jealous of you…it’s not your fault you’re fabulous! You will reach a point where you realise it’s them or you, and you’ll make a conscious decision to let them go…just don’t wait as long as I did.
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