Each week, award-winning radio presenter, agony aunt, sex and relationship advisor, and life coach Dr Pam Spurr will be advising iVillagers on real-life love and sex issues. Check back every week to read her latest words of wisdom
Toying with a vibrator
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Question: I'm single and have a fairly high libido. I've done the one night stands thing, and I'm not dismissing the idea of casual sexual partners, but I'm not really on the prowl for a man right now. I'm happy doing my own thing... to a certain extent... I'll be blunt: I'm considering buying a sex toy, but I've never used one and I'm unsure of the whole thing. This might sound stupid, but I don't want to become reliant on a vibrator - what if I enjoy it more than proper sex!?! And how do I know which one to go for? I'm scared to talk to the women in the shops because I just imagine I'll go bright red! What should I do?
Dear "Toying with an idea",
I think it's a brilliant idea because not only will you learn more about your body and what works for you plus what doesn't (although it sounds like you're pretty confident in the bedroom) but you can also think ahead to when you can share some 'good vibrations' with your next partner. You can get some little sex-tricks up your sleeve to show them!
Also, your desire to sex-periment doesn't sound stupid at all and I'm wondering where that negative attitude comes from? Sex toys are definitely a good thing that can add an extra dimension of pleasure to your sex life. They're only a problem if someone uses them exclusively and makes their partner feel bad about it - as if their partner is redundant and not much good to them.
I'm sure if you spoke to most of your gal-pals they'd own up to having used sex toys of various types. And if they didn't use them on their own, they've probably tried them with a partner.
There are very few people I've come across that have become reliant on vibrators. And I would say if you were with a partner, then use them some of the times you're in bed together but don't use them all the time. And one thing to remember whether you're on your own or using a sex toy with your partner, is that you shouldn't use a vibrator for longer than 20 minutes at a time as you can over-stimulate your genitals. And overuse can lead to a lack of sensitivity and nerve damage in future. But we're talking 'big-time' overuse!
Final tip: Definitely don't worry about blushing in front of sales staff. The adult shops in the high street nowadays are very chilled out and not anything like the "dirty mac brigade" of days gone by. No one will think twice that you're shopping around for a vibrator.
Happy sex-perimenting, Dr Pam x
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