Lost in Translation

Italy: This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Yugoslavia: For schedube and programmes of theaters as well as the tickets for all the types of performances, please, consult (he hall parter).

Brunei: Please keep shutters close or monkey make you crazy.

Ankara, Turkey: Please hang your order before retiring on your doorknob.

Tel Aviv, Israel: If you wish breakfast, lift the telephone and our waitress will arrive. This will be enough to bring up your food.

Madrid, Spain: If you wish disinfection enacted in your presence, cry out for the chambermaid.

On hotel television set, Belgrade, Serbia: If set breaks, inform manager. Do not interfere with yourself.

Leipzig, Germany: Ladies, please rinse out your teapots standing upside down in sink. In no event should hot bottoms be placed on counter.

Indonesia: Someday laundry service.

Cairo, Egypt: On September 30, winter timing will start. As of 12:00 midnight all clocks will be forward one hour back.

Tokyo: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

Japan: Please to bathe inside the tub.

Athens, Greece: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am daily.

Acapulco, Mexico: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Japan: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

Thailand: Please do not bring solicitors into your room.

Gaspe Peninsula, Canada: No dancing in the bathrooms!

Japan: Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: Visit the hairdresser in the Sub Soil of this Hotel.

Kuantan, Malaysia: Lobby shop: Found in the lobby.

You'd think that if there was one thing on which hotels would make themselves clear, it'd be their fire procedure. Think again...

Florence, Italy: Fire! It is what we can be doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves. Say quickly to all people coming up down, everywhere, a prayer always is a clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for telephone for the fighters of the fire come out.

Finland: If you cannot reach a fire exit, close the door and expose yourself at the window.

Vienna, Austria: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

Japan: In case of fire, try to use the fire ex-ting wisher.

London, UK: All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before any fire.

Lost in Translation: Misadventures in English Abroad, by Charlie Croker is published by Michael O'Mara Books Limited