Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
Unlikely celebrity couples!
Catherine Tate has gotten lucky and has ended up dating Take That heart-throb (and generally all round nice bloke) Jason Orange. Queue incredulous headlines about ‘Unlikely/oddball couples’, which I think is pants. Catherine Tate is an attractive woman, who also happens to be very clever, funny and hugely successful. Jason Orange is probably over the moon that he’s landed such a catch! But he’s broken ‘The Rules’ because he’s not going out with some fake plastic blow-up dolly lookalike. Good luck to them, I say.
Anyway, rather than spout off a predictable string of other weird celeb couples, I thought I’d offer some thoughts on the loved up pairs I’d like to see and how I reckon they’d get together.
Simon Cowell and Vikki Pollard
It was a modern day Pygmalion. Louis Walsh bet Simon Cowell £100 that he couldn’t turn Vikki Pollard into a lady of high society in time for the X-Factor finals. Simon took Vikki under his botoxed armpit and tried to make her respectable. Gradually the unlikely couple overcame their differences and they fell in love. One day Vikki looked into Simon’s dark brooding eyes… it was so hard to tell what he was thinking, such was the depth, the wisdom. Tentatively she stroked his face, whispering 'YeahbutnobutyeahbutnobutWHATEVAAAAAAH.' She looked away, afraid of the answer. She had never bared her soul like that before. Simon tenderly wiped away the single tear rolling down Vikki’s cheek, and as he clutched her forcefully to his heaving chest he told her 'I love you too Vikki. But you have no stage presence and you can’t sing for toffee. I’m going to have to vote you off, love.' He lost the £10 but gained a girlfriend.
Cheryl Cole and Kermit the Frog
Cheryl needed a man. Not a puny man-child like her ex Ashley, or deceitful bad boys like her former boss and major crush Simon Cowell. How could he ditch her for Vikki Pollard? Men like that just chew you up and spit you out. Oh she had been hurt, she had suffered. Where were all the good men? She decided that there were none. Until she turned on the TV and saw The Muppets and there he was… Kermit the Frog, the man of her dreams. He clearly knew how to treat a lady. Cheryl had her people speak to his people, and several dates were arranged. The couple had fun, until one night she bumped into Miss Piggy in the ladies toilets. Initially Cheryl mistook Piggy for an attendant and, when no one was looking, she beat the muppet with her leopard print Christian Louboutins. But unbeknownst to Cheryl, Kermit had witnessed her rage. He decided he couldn’t be with someone who has no respect for the loo staff and poor Cheryl was alone once more.
Katie Price and Prince Charles
Katie loves horses. Prince Charles loves women who look like horses. A string of disastrous surgical procedures had left the former glamour model looking like a Shetland pony equivalent of the Bride of Wildenstein. 'No-one will look at me now!' she brayed, 'My reality TV and gossip column is over. I’m an equine freak!' But she had caught the eye of Prince Charles, who saw what a lovely philly Jordan had turned out to be. A bit like Camilla but shorter, firmer and with bigger boobs. Plus her industrial sized bras could double as stirrups. 'Giddy-up Lassy, you are mine!' exclaimed the Prince. He climbed onto her back and they clip-clopped happily into the distance towards the land of Happy Ever After.
David Beckham and Susan Boyle
When old Goldenballs discovered that Posh Spice had run off with Gok Wan he spent his days sat indoors, eating Ben & Jerrys and listening to Susan Boyle’s album ‘The Gift’. Gradually he fell in love with her voice and realised that beauty truly is on the inside. Like Adonis he hunted her down. First she fought his advances (mainly because they involved high velocity footballs) but she couldn’t resist David’s taut thighs and rippling chest. She relented and they now live happily together in a modest but cosy semi-detached in Blackburn, Scotland with Susan’s cat collection – on the condition that she only communicates via the medium of singing and David is topless at all times.
So who would your weirdo celebrity couple be? Do tell!