When Your Sex-Drives Differ

Sex therapist Bettina Arndt discusses how to deal with Mismtached Sex Drives. Bettina Arndt started her career as Down-Under's Dr Ruth. A trained clinical psychologist, she was one of Australia's first sex therapists, talking about sex on television and radio as well as teaching medical students and other professionals. She then spent twenty years writing about broader social issues, acquiring a reputation as a respected social commentator

In The Sex Diaries, Bettina Arndt uncovers the night-time drama being played out in bedrooms everywhere, revealing how ordinary couples cope with the tensions of managing their sex supply. Bettina recruited ninety eight couples to keep diaries recording their intimate negotiations over sex. Who feels like having sex? Who doesn't? How do couples cope if one person wants it more than the other? She draws on her thirty-five years of experience to provide a provocative analysis of desire which challenges many of our basic assumptions about sex

She recently answered our members' questions on the Mismatched Sex Drives message board.

'My sex drive is higher than his!'

adybobs: I have just read the synopsis for your book on Amazon. At first I was quite excited by the prospect of reading anything that might help our sex life. But the synopsis comes across as women being repulsed by sex whilst the men in their lives are always up for it!

I feel a little deflated as this isn't us. I'm the one with the sex drive, whereas my husband will do everything in his power to avoid it. I'm the one with the creeping hand and he's the one who will still up late in the hope that I have dozed off! Does your book mention anything about women who have partners that are not that interested? As a woman it is a lot harder to accept especially when socially most people I know all think that men are up for it all the time!

jennimac2004: I think my fiance is really unfair when it comes to sex. He has a lower sex drive than me, which I accept but the problem is that he says he doesn't like it if I come onto him and says he feels "pressured to perform". I did feel hurt by that, like he didn't find me attractive but I backed off anyway as I know relationships are all about compromise.

Bettina: I have a whole chapter on juicy tomatoes - women just like you! I am sure you will enjoy reading their stories.

I do think it is unfair to keep rejecting a partner, leaving him or her feeling undesirable, unwanted. That is not a loving, considerate thing to do. I argue strongly that the person with low desire has an obligation to make an effort to put sex on the 'to do' list - to put the canoe in the water and start paddling, and see what happens, even if you don't always feel like it to start off with.

There's very interesting new research from Canada which shows that many women can experience sexual pleasure, even if they had no prior desire - provided they can get their head into the right place and be open to this experience. This applies to men as well - they too can 'just do it' for the sake of the relationship. Many men writing for me say they do this.. for the sake of the relationship.

I'd be very concerned about committing yourself to a relationship with a man who is unwilling to consider your needs in this vital area. I found many women in your situation ended up walking out of their relationships because the pain of rejection was just too hard to handle.