Wife and mistress - should they meet?

iVillager sued03 wrote to the Let's Talk About Relationships board with her painful dilemma

I've been having an affair with a married man for the last two years. I've been separated for one year but this affair was not the cause of my marriage break up. When I met this man I was vulnerable, lonely and needed to fill a void in my life. I knew all the pitfalls of getting involved with a married man, knew it was wrong, told him again and again that I just wanted a friend and to stay in control. But the inevitable happened - we fell in love. Head over heels. Totally and completely. He's the love of my life.

I trusted him, believed in him, he told me over and over never to worry, that he loved me more than any other woman ever, that he was committed to my children and to me, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he would give everything up for me. I believed him, not because I am naive but because he convinced me it was the truth.

We've spent lots of time together in the last two years. We've taken holidays together, he's supported me emotionally and financially, we've been there for each other as best friends and soul mates. I've been more than a wife to him and I was sure we'd spend the rest of our lives together. But then earlier this year his wife found out about me.

She doesn't know all the details only that her husband has been 'emailing and talking' to some woman. His reaction, like most married men, was to panic and run back to the safety of his wife. He says he needs to know if there's anything left between them and that he couldn't give up his marriage knowing that at some point in the future he may regret that decision.

jimmy (not verified) replied 3 weeks 4 days ago

I was in a similar situation however I am the married man. My mistress would say the same thing, that we met when her marriage was down and knew what she was getting into. We had promised to never tell each others spouses. We were head over heels in love for almost four years. I was always upfront about the fact I would never leave my wife and family. She wanted to leave her husband and I wanted to take a job overseas, I broke it off with her and left the country. Well she not only told my wife about us but my children also. She has completely ruined my life( I know I did it to myself). Do you really want to be responsible for so much misery to everyone involved. She thought I would come back to her but once she did such a vile thing, how could I? You want her to know what a cheat he is, ok but you were complicit and just as guilty and morally wrong.