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6 ways to say 'No' and mean it
It is not until we can say 'no', that our 'yes' means 'yes', and our 'no' means 'no'. Saying 'yes' when you would rather say 'no' gives you stress, which can cause physical symptoms, such as headaches, shoulder tension and disturbed sleep.
Don't get rejection confused
Some people who find saying 'no' difficult are confusing rejection of a request with rejection of the person making the request. Saying 'no' doesn't mean you don't like the person, just that you're refusing their current request, and vice versa.
Be honest, calm and polite
It will help you keep control, and avoid escalating the situation or alienating the other person. People are happier to accept an honest 'no', than be faced with indecision and a delayed refusal.
How do you say 'no' and mean it?
When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, just say 'no'. No apologising, be direct and succinct. If someone asks you to join them for lunch, simply say:
No, no thank you.
Here you acknowledge the content and feeling of the request, then you add the assertive refusal at the end:
I know you want to talk to me about organising the annual department lunch, but I can't do lunch today.
Give a brief and genuine reason for the refusal without opening up further negotiation:
I can't have lunch with you because I have a report that needs to be finished by tomorrow.
A way of saying 'no' to a specific request without giving a definite 'no'. It's a prelude to negotiation, not a rejection of the request. Only use it if you genuinely want to meet the request:
I can't have lunch with you today, but I could make it sometime next week.
A way of opening up the request, to see if it's something you want to do:
I can't have lunch today, but is there anything else you want to talk to me about, other than the new proposal?
This can be used a lot, in all sorts of situations. Repeat the simple statement of refusal again and again. No explanation, just repeat it. It's necessary to use this with particularly persistent requests:
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, please, it won't take long.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
Oh, go on, I'll pay.
No, I can't have lunch with you.
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