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Winging a meeting
A meeting not only takes time out of your busy schedule when you could be checking out the latest bargains on eBay or emailing your friends - but there's also the time it takes to prepare. The hours can quickly add up, so here's how to blag your way through without putting in the time
The Wharton Center for Applied Research recently found that the average senior executive spends 23 hours a week in meetings, and the more senior you are the worse it gets. If we prepared for meetings properly, there wouldn't be enough time left in the day to hold them. And if we did all the preparation and called all the people we should have done, chances are we would have solved the problem already, rendering the meeting even more useless than it already is.
Yet convention demands that when attending a meeting you look like you have put in some work, especially if you called it. If you are in charge, the most important thing about running a meeting is to create a detailed agenda. Don't worry: we didn't say a new agenda, just a detailed one. Keep a standard agenda template: comments from last meeting, unresolved issues, input from departments/working groups/key contributors, suggestions for next steps, any other business and date of next meeting. Then all you have to do is add the correct date, the title of the meeting and the names of people who you want to speak against each item. This name is never you. The other attendees will be so busy looking for their initials that they won't spot that it is the same agenda as last time.
Always allocate precise times to each item on the agenda, but make no effort to enforce these times.
The easiest way to control a meeting without contributing is to emphasise that you are listening. Remember, listening is good, because listening means not doing. If your agenda looks too short, invite someone, preferably on a mobile phone, to conference call into the meeting. Connecting and reconnecting will swallow at least 45 minutes of the available time, and you can always shout 'What do you think, Derek?' down the line if you're in a tight spot.
If you are not running the meeting, but expect to be named on the list of people who will contribute content, the important thing is to convince everyone that you have a lot to say while saying as little as possible. Bring a long typed list (any typed list will do as long as it consists of at least ten points) to every meeting. Don't let anyone else see the detail on it. When it's your turn, pick it up and scan carefully. Hearts will sink until you check your watch, glance at the agenda, and say: 'In the interests of time, I'll skip most of this, and just cover a few essential points.' Your diligence, humility and ability to prioritise will attract admiration from people who don't know that you are holding your shopping list.
In any meeting designed to decide something, there will usually be The Expert, the one person who knows what he or she is talking about. It would have been much better for everyone if The Expert had been allowed to get on with making the decision alone, but it's important to have a meeting so that you can contribute by agreeing with everything he or she says, and maybe steal some of the credit as a result. Accomplish this by identifying that meeting's Expert, preferably on the way in to the meeting, and engage in friendly banter, which might reveal what point of view The Expert holds. If possible sit opposite The Expert - this allows you to exchange knowing looks, raised eyebrows and vigorous nods on cue. The Expert's aura of capability will extend to you. If it's time for a comment, try 'As [insert name of Expert] says...' or 'I agree with...' Don't do this too often, though: everyone hates a kiss-ass, and if you're too vocal, you will be given things to do, which isn't the idea at all.
Here's an idea for you...
If you want to arrive late and/or leave early, keep one of those small suitcases with wheels on it and bring it to the meeting. Quietly park it in plain view. A late arrival means you just got off a plane or train. An early departure means that you really have to get to the airport or station right away. Your very presence will seem like you're doing everyone a favour.
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