Our straight talking Lancashire lass takes a sideways look at the daily news.
X Factor's Matt Cardle can write?
Celebesville has gone crazy this week. X Factor winner Matt Cardle has released his autobiography, billed as “The full account of Matt’s rollercoaster experience!” Now that is downright daft.
Apart from his experience of winning X Factor – something that the media shoved down our throats like force-fed geese – what else could he write about? Painting walls?
I can cobble his autobiography together in one paragraph…
“I did a pukka job today. I painted this geezer’s living room a lovely shade of Dusted Damson. He wanted his kitchen to be Teal Tension Blue. It was a close call, but thankfully I managed to talk him out of it. God I love my craft as a free-spirited maverick painter and decorator. My only other dream is to sing Biffy Clyro covers for Simon Cowell on X Factor. Oh, hold on!” The End.
FFS he won a talent contest, he didn’t cure cancer or solve world hunger or anything.
I’ll tell you this for nowt, my Grandad won the croon fest that was Opportunity Knocks back in the 1950s. Did he plaster himself all over the media a-la Cardle? No. He went back to work, got deported from the Sudan for holding a beer festival in the men’s toilets of the British Embassy, and was subsequently banned from Romania, although we don’t quite know why. Now that would be a biography worth reading.
Why is Cowell Inc. forcing this literary drivel at us? Perhaps it’s because music sales were down 7% from last year and they’re hedging their bets by covering all bases. Frankly, if all we have to choose from is Cardle’s caterwauling then it’s no wonder people have given up buying music.
At least Rihanna could save the day. She may have toyed with Cardle like a Hell Cat about to pounce during their ‘steamy’ duet on the X Factor finals, but the claws are now well and truly out.
Her new single ‘What’s My Name’ is set to knock Cardle’s wailing mess from pole position in the charts. Matt, consider yourself cat food.
Elsewhere, Peter Andre may have exacted his full revenge on Katie Price by stepping out with new girlfriend, Dancing On Ice’s Elen Rivas. Andre describes his new beau as “beautiful and classy”, and that “she’s just the change I need after everything that’s happened in the last two years.” Ouch.
This couldn’t have come at a worse time for 32-year-old KP. Hold that thought, did I say 32? That can’t be right. I’m 32, and a remember Jordon being at least 26 when I was in my early 20s. So she must be knocking on 40! But I digress…
Katie has announced via Twitter that her marriage to cross-dressing cage fighter Alex Reid is in its death throws. But they won’t officially announce their split until they’ve been married for exactly one year. I really, really don’t know why.
Ah me… If life every gets too dull, you can always tune into Planet Z-List and enjoy the freak fest!